Fri 7th August

Publié le par Maya Bzz

Le mois d'Aout 2016, j'ai fait 4 postes peut etre que je peux faire plus cette année.

Quatre ans après. 

C'est vraiment incroyable dans le mauvais sens du therme ce qu'il se passe en cette année 2020. 

Le Coronavirus a bien frappé. Cela a vraiment fait des dégâts. 

 

Il y a quatres ans  mes postes à cette periode etaient en anglais. Je suis pas d'humeur à ecrire en anglais. Et a cette periode de l'année m^me merde téléphonique. Je travaillais aussi pour une entreprise française. Et passais mes journée dans le train, en direction d'une autre ville.

 

That is funny this is what I told myself 4 years ago, during summer time ; "The thing I can say today is, be strong, believe in your project and be active. Do not expect, be a doer. To suceed." Maya.B.

 

In July 2016 I apparently learned about BLM, that is crazy that 4years later the I can breathe movement happen. 

Can I do stuff that I will laugh about in 4years ?

Any ideas ? Ideas that do not require any money ?

 

Maybe a video on why I should love myself, just a reminder when I feel down. Hopefully there is no editing qualiities required. 

 

But currently I forgot what I was about to say.

 

A blessed day with them even if my heart get grumpy when I am irritated. I love some cohesive moment.

Asterix #Asterix

Suite souvenir juillet 2017, ETE 2017 

"Pourquoi je continue d'écrire tout les jours comme ça, sans objectifs ? Parce que j'aime bien. Et qui c'est quand j'imprimerais ces pages dans quelques années, je serais surement étonnée du blabla que j'aurais pu écrire. Peut importe, en ce moment je suis sur l'overblog et je trouve ça bien d'écrire des bouts de mes journées."

 

Je suis absolument d'accord avec ce que j'ai écris. 

"Je manque beaucoup de sou en ce milieu de mois, parce que je suis spontanément partie à marseille avec un de mes amis. J'ai payé le billet je pense trois fois plus chère que sont prix initiale.Etant déterminée à avoir des bons moments avec mes proches, je récolte se ce que je sème. Et en défiant les obstacles je le paie chère. " Mdr ouais c'étais la crise sévère après mais je regrette pas. Je suis heureuse et reconnaissante de ce souvenir. 

 

"And I want my items in my everyday life to represent what I like. Then I will se if my wall will be able to show who I am.​​​​​​" I seriously agree with that, right now so I better get my T-shirt. With all the inspiration I respect.

 

"(But I prefer working alone and here is the thing, my home is always busy. This piss me oof, sometimes, it is a recent feeling, because I have notice that I never needed to be focus. Now I need it so bad, but I don't know how to afford it. IT the consequence is ignoring everyone, why am I that extreme in my way of behaving, man, because I am not use to, trouble.

"If they do not understand how I can be alone, in my room for 24hours, and how I can get busy if I want, they will not understand how I can be alone in my house either.)"

This topic of 2017 it is funny how this is still so accurate in 2020 and there is no way to sort this out, without being out of the parental house, family house. Even if I love each of them, there is a clash between learning and staying at home. Trust me the library and I we are not matching, the personal and home environnement is required.

Ici il est 11h40 heure française. 

Toujours en été 2017 voilà les souvenir qui accompagne ce mois de juillet 2017, jadis vécu "Des choses ont pas mal évolué autour de moi. Une de mes soeur est alllé à angers pour une compétition de gym. Une autre est venue me voir pendant deux semaine à Londres. Et une autre est partie en mission humanitaire a Marrakech."

Eh bien les choses continue d'évoluer autour de moi, mes trois soeurs partent à Montpeliier. Une de mes soeurs travail l'été et ira une semaine à Montpellier avec son amie. Et les deux autres iront avec l'assemblée macédonienne pendant trois jours. Cette été c'est moi qui est venu les voir en région parisienne. Mais le manque de moment familial de m'enchante pas trop.

This is from June 2016 and it is still true today. "The parents above me do not know much about me now, because time and unsaid things happen."'

Still June 2016 "I am tired too. Of trying. It is always useless, but the point is I will always have a routine. But it has to be one that I want, you know. One that I paid for, with energy and personal motivation."

Still June 2016  "True about the routine stuff. And i am still not playing about that. Maybe my first mistake was to think I can make it without money."

Still June 2016 " I can fight better I know, it is a matter of opportunity, I have to create them."

Still June 2016 "I think I am a spectator of my life for now, but I am fighting to be a doer, and not a spectator but a busy productive woman, you know what I mean?" 

Still June 2016 " La vie ce n'est rien dit la mère. Et la fille lui réponds :

La vie c'est quoi ? C'est rien non ? Mais tu peux en faire quelque chose, c'est un choix d'en faire quelque chose. Et de construire si tu veux. C'est à toi vouloir et de prendre la décision de participer dans la vie. C'est à toi de décider si tu veux être quelqu'un sur terre. Parce que se réveiller le matin, se doucher, manger, dormir.ça c'est pas faire partie de quelque chose, c'est pas participer à la vie. C'est regarder la vie. C'est ce dire que la vie c'est rien. La vie c'est là. Et c'est toi qui décide de faire quelque chose de la vie. Si t'es pas prêt parceque tu te dis la vie c'est quoi ? C'est rien non ? Okey, alors regardes là aussi longtemps que tu veux et comptes les années, en attendant la fin de la vie. Tu peux aussi te dire que la vie c'est rien. Mais si tu le décide tu peux faire quelque chose de la vie. C'est une question d'amour pour soi même. ( C'est se dire que ta vie compte, si tu fais quelque chose avec, sinon elle ne compte pas ? Sinon tu regardes la vie, pourquoi faire ?). " 

 

Je suis toujours d'accord  avec l'idée développée. 

 

Still June 2016

If do not take care of myself I am going to end selfish and careless about others life. This is a sin. This is wrong and I wil die I, if it is not yeyt I will find it stupid.

I know what is intelligent, wise, clever and what is nonsense. Thank God I am down to earth." 

I agree with that still.

End of my post memories. 

 

It is funny how some issues are reiterating themselves. 

While I am writing as usual mother decided to wake up between 11:30 am and 12pm I wonder if it will be the same when her big children will go back to university and school. 

In my opinion she is not waking up in a house, but metaphoricaly in a prison. And I have my reason to use that metaphore, even if all my sisters would not all agree on that point of view. 

 

This post is going to be longer than, all usual post. 

This pas month of July, till August I have pressured myself to be able to tame my hair. 

Yes tame my hair. My hair and I are frenemies and I am trying my best in this awkward relationship between my hair and I. I see it as a challenge. I honestly cannot wait to be back on braids or lock on September. 

Random fact wearing festival clothes makes you fill vibrant. 

An other thing, I went to the cinema alone the day before yesterday. It was not a great feeling during the day. Having plans with no one expecting you, is quiet : quiet. But by surprise the movie was a great one. Very unique. Too me the topic was on surviving. 

I got to buy this play tool that makes bubble for kids I need that and I will be happy to upload this video, of loneliness and cinema. 

I have a disctracting drowsiness thing. Particularly in the house, and when it is  too hot. 

Am I proud of anything this  month of August 2020  ? No. Am I grateful for this month of August 2020 ? Yes. 

Il est 12h59 de l'apres mdi. Mes yeux vienne à nouveau de s'assoupir la journée est terminé. J'ai bien mal au crane. Je vais aller laver mes cheveux de  ce pas.

 

 

***

As any other human being on this planet earth, I am afraid to fail. I was afraid to fail at 7years old. Then at 15 years old. Then at 18 years old. Then now at 25 years old. Already a quarter of century spent on this planet earth, and I am not impressed about myself. I am not impressed about who I am currently. I am not impressed. I am too limited for my liking. Every day I am dying a bit more and I am less and less impressed about myself. 

Do you remember what I said 4 years ago ? I want to respect my presence on this planet earth. I don't want to be spectator but a doer. 

So far I don't regret any of my life choice, and I thank God for always keeping me health and under safe shelter. This question remain, will I ever be proud of myself ? 

Even I manage to reach by God grace, big project that I carry on my heart, such international citizen involvement, would I ever be like, "yes girl, well done. cheer up." I never feel that way, in my bowels. 

I don't want to die dumb. Can I learn something new each day ? Even when I a mistaken, I happy to learn something new every day.

***

Other subject : Coily hair

 

Ce poste va dans tout les sens, je devrais aussi m'exprimer sur le Co-Wash, les activistes capillaire qui m'inspire. Inna Modja, Naptural 85. 

 

The most hashtag use on instagram  for coily hair : 

#Hairday

#Hatehairday

#nappyhair

#naturalhaireurope

#natiuralhairuk

#type4naturals

#respectmyhair

#naturalhairgoals

#naturallyshesdope

#naturalhaircommunity

#type4hair

#naturalhairloves

#naturalhairtips

#naturalhairdoescare

#healthyhairjourney

 

If at any point I fail, I think it because I rely way too much on my self. 

But the  thing is I have notice this recipe, and before I display about that recipe, my Auntie, Uncle and 3 cousin not respecting the recipe, it is upsetting me way too much : 

The important that we are not respecting in my family is all the moment that help for cohesion. 

  • The unique and first one : Family dinner, since I am born we have missed and since my first cousin was born, 20 years of family dinner. This mean 7 300 days with no family dinner. This is a challenge, not easy to overcome. (Everybody sitting, the four us, then the five of us, then the six of us at the same table. Yes we are currently six). This issue has been explicitly raised to Auntie, and Uncle.

I'm personally tired to be only creative human being trying to find a way on that subject. 7 300 days with no dinner, is 7300 with missed stories, anecdote. Each day you missing a story each day you missing a part of that person. Those moment are unique moment and have value and need to be cherished. Re-talking about that subject now, 4 years later makes me feel like my patient attitude was useless when I was a kid. 

The important thing that I did not respect as a sister is sharing more stories.

  • The thing is clashing with I am still today, when there is no progress there is nothing talk about. I was so insecure about my future. I know what  I wanted but I knew society will not give it to me that easily. So what story to talk about. Plus the way I was upset about my parents, made that I was tired to explain myself to my sisters as well. Basically the elder in particular.

The important thing that we are respecting as cousins in order to have a choice in the society.

  • The importance of your general culture 
  • The importance of being involved in something 
  • The importance of good grade at school

 

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